Raising Parents

I remember the first time I felt I had slipped into an alternate universe. A universe in which my siblings and I were parents and my dad was the child. Not because my dad had lost his faculties; he had every last one of them. Rather we found ourselves questioning the wisdom and safety of his choices.

While living this alternate universe, I also worked at a Skilled Nursing Facility where I watched families struggle with the question of how safe their parent was to return home; from their perspective. Very often the parent was sure they were.

It was in those meeting I reminded myself and the family members, our parents are adults. Just as I had been allowed to make choices that made my parents cringe, so did my father. How I spent my money, where he chose to live, who I chose to date, where he chose to drive.

Dad had the right to make choices that worried us. My dad questioned the wisdom of my getting into a car with my boyfriend having 3 other boys in it. I questioned his wisdom of driving without peripheral vision. Turned out I was safe, and he was careful.

Much life was lived between those 2 car events, but the underlying fear of the wait was ageless, timeless. I advised families that as children of parents we adore, we can’t be sure every moment will be safe but we can cover as many bases as we can; arrange to avoid as many worst case scenarios as we can. My siblings were amazing it it.

Just as my mom had a sleepless night when I decided to stay with a friend thinking it was too late to call (decades before cell phones), I knew I would lie awake worrying my dad may slip on the way to the bathroom lying in pain until found.

We came to a place of peace. Dad could make decisions, and we might worry. Dad could make decisions which might have a bad outcome, but he had made it, as an adult with choices.

Written in honor of my wonderful father who passed many years ago.

If you like my writing please subscribe to this blog or click the link to subscribe to my monthly newsletter. http://nancyhouserbluhm.com/.